Limericks
Some of my favorite limericks:
Er was eens een man in Almere
Die wou een geil toetje proberen
Hij stopte zijn snol
Met vruchten mooi vol
Maar het smaakte wel naar kut met peren
-- Joempie 2015
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There once was a man from east Kent,
whose tool was incredibly bent,
so to save himself trouble,
he put it in double,
and instead of coming he went !
There once was a man from Madras
Whose balls were made out of brass
He'd bang them together
And play "Stormy Weather"
And thunder shot out of his ass.
On the breasts of a barmaid from Sale,
Were tattooed the prices of Ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
The same information in Braille.
There once was a rabbi from Keith,
Who circumcised men with his teeth,
Not for his leisure,
Nor sexual pleasure,
But for the cheese underneath.
There was was a girl named Dot.
Who lived on Pig Shit and Snot.
When She couldn't get these,
She ate the Green Cheese,
That she scraped from the walls of her TWAT!
There once was a young poet, named Dan
Whose limericks never would scan
when told this was so,
he said "yes I know
'cause I try to put every possible syllable into the last line that I can."
There once was a clergyman's daughter
Who detested the pony he bought her
Till she found that its dong
Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her.
There was a young man of New York,
Whose limericks never would rhyme.
They didn't scan,
Nor did they have enough lines.
There was a young man from Saigon
Whose limericks were two lines long.
There was a young man from Peru,
Whose limericks stopped at line two
A very sad poet was Jenny
Her limericks weren't worth a penny
In technique they were sound
Yet somehow she found
Whenever she tried to write any
She always wrote one line too many
There was a young man from Tyree,
Whose limericks stopped at line three,
So just when you thought...
There was a young poof from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
About who had the right
To do what, with which and to whom.
There was a young plumber of Leigh,
was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid: `Cease your plumbing,
I think someone's coming.'
Said the plumber, still plumbing: `It's me.'
One day I was warned by my dad
If I stared at the moon I'd go mad
But I tried it last night
And I'm perfectly all right
So groodle mendle flad!
Three two-letter words that begin
With I are a source of chagrin:
There are guys who can cry --
Even wish they could die --
At that soul-searing phrase "Is it in?"
There was a young man from Kentuckett,
whose cock was so long he could suck it.
Said he with a grin,
wiping spunk off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it"
When a kinky old loner named Chase
Had a sitter report to his place
And she asked, "There's no kid?"
He said, "No, -- There's an id!
You're a sitter... so sit on my face!"
The bedroom has lost its decorum.
With group sex, it's more like a forum.
It once was avowed
That three was a crowd,
But today it's not even a quorum.
There once was a young man named Gene
who invented a screwing machine.
Concave and convex,
It served either sex,
And played with itself in between.
There was a young man of Devizes
whose balls were of different sizes;
one was so small
it was no use at all,
but the other won several prizes.
A sweetheart named Theresa Arden
Went down on her beau in the garden.
He said, "Good Lord, Tess,
don't swallow that mess!"
And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
To his bride, said the sharp-eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Is your east tit the least bit
the best of your west tit,
or is it a trick of perspective?"
Said a nun as the bishop withdrew,
"This must be our final adieu,
for the vicar is slicker,
and thicker and quicker,
and two inches longer than you."
There once was a man from cape Horn
Who wished that he'd never been born
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn.
There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.
A dentist, young Doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone;
And in his depravity,
He filled the wrong cavity--
And my how his business has grown!
I sat next to the Duchess at tea;
It was just as I feared it would be:
Her rumblings abdominal
Were truly phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me!
There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who used to take cocks without pickin' 'em.
She'd kneel on the sod,
And pray to her God
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia.
The colors were fine;
The drawing--divine!
But the smell was a terrible failure!
There once was a man of Calcutta,
Who spoke with a terrible stutter.
At breakfast he said,
"Give me b-b-b-bread,
And b-b-b-b-b-b-butter."
Er was eens een bij te 's Gravenhage
Die antwoord wist op alle vragen.
Toen men hem moeilijk genoeg
"Wat was was eer was was was?" vroeg,
Werd hij winnaar van de quiz
met "eer was was was was was is!"
- Kees Stip -
There once was a man named Deadeye Dick
who was cursed from birth with a corkscrew prick.
He spent his life in an aimless hunt
to find a girl with a corkscrew cunt.
But when he finally found one, the poor chap dropped dead,
for the goddamned thing had a left-hand thread.
